Dragon's Fist: Help me out

[Twilight]

This is where I'll throw around ideas and post parts of my fic Dragon's Fist, a Naruto/Tenjho Tenge crossover. Corrections, plot ideas, and pointing out plot holes are all incouraged.

It is suggested that you actually read the 2 chapters I have out to know what is going on. And yes there are mistakes in them, I don't have a beta for it yet.

[Twilight]

“Really Sakura, I’m fine.” The blond said, adjusting the uncomfortable pajamas he was forced to wear.

They had reached Konoha earlier and rushed Naruto to the hospital. Naruto came out of his depression around an hour ago, and must have said he was ‘fine’ at least a hundred times since then but no one was able to fully believe him.

A nurse knocked politely. “I sorry, but visiting hours are over.”

“Are you sure, you don’t need anything?” Sakura asked, walking out.

“Yea.” Naruto mumbled, not looking her in the eye.

“You better get well soon, idiot, I need a punching bag.” The Uchiha said.

“Hey Sasuke?” The Uchiha stopped in the doorway and turned back to the bedridden blond. “You should ask a doctor to get that stick out your ass while you’re here.” Naruto said, looking up with a smile.

The Uchiha smirked. “Very funny, I’ll be sure to make you eat those words.” The boy left, pushing past the nurse who had been taking another look inside Naruto’s room. Her expression, somewhere between curiosity and anger, puzzled the Uchiha but he ignored it.

For a while Naruto just watched the open doorway where Sakura and Sasuke had exited. Kakashi drew him out of his thoughts.

“You really should try and rest Naruto.” Kakashi said while putting his book away, but the boy only looked down solemnly.

Kakashi walked out and barely made it a few steps before Naruto’s voice reached him. “Kakashi-sensei?”

“Hmm?”

“If I ever lose control, I want you to stop me any way you can.”

Kakashi turned and took a long look at the boy, who was still focusing intently on his legs. “It won’t come to that Naruto, now get some rest.”

The man walked away but stopped before Inoichi. The Yamanaka had done an analysis of Naruto’s mind earlier, but was called to give his report to the council before he could give Kakashi details on Naruto’s state. With most of his attention on the man before him, he only took a passing, but appreciative, glance at one of the nurses who wore a less modest uniform but dismissed her a moment later.

‘She’s just checking on Naruto.’ The Copy-Nin thought to himself, shrugging off the suspicious feel he got from her and bringing his attention back to Inoichi.

Naruto was unaware of the other occupant in the room, as the sudden pain in his legs clouded his mind. He choked back a sob and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes while clenching the bed sheets and twisting them, silently begging for the pain to go away.

Two massive claws reached out of the bed in front of him and began tearing the flesh from his legs. Naruto screamed in pain and horror as a skeletal dragon followed soon after and began eating at the stray flesh off the bones that were his legs.

“I will devour your flesh and be born myself!” The creature hissed menacingly.

A sharp prick in the back of his neck snapped him back into reality followed by a sudden wave of disorientation hit Naruto that blurred everything for a moment.

‘I can’t move!’ Naruto panicked, falling limply on his back as his body went numb.

The woman licked her lips in anticipation and crawled on the bed. Her skirt rode up her firm buttocks to reveal lacy black lingerie. Naruto tried to identify the nurse but only got an eye full of cleavage instead, despite the situation he was in he couldn't help the blush that spead across his face. The woman’s breasts strained against her uniform and the black bra that matched her panties, they seemed as if they would fall out any moment. She brushed some of her shoulder length brown hair out of her face and slid further along the bed, dragging her large breasts up Naruto’s chest. She came to a stop, straddling the boy she spoke huskily.

“To think such a small body could house such a powerful dragon.” She licked her lips again. “I’ve been waiting for you to pay me a visit Naru-kun. I’ll make the pain all better…” As she spoke she pulled a few senbon from seemingly nowhere while her other hand began to glow.

“Stop.” Naruto rasped weakly, recognizing her for who she was.

“But Naru-kun, I’ve been waiting here just for you.” She said lovingly, kissing his forehead before trailing lower.

Naruto’s eyes widened in surprise. “You’re like me, aren’t you!?”

“I am similar but not nearly as powerful as you, now relax, this won’t hurt a bit…”

[Claws Canidae]

Is this a story that I need to understand both sources for? Just asking so that I know whether to locate and view Tenge first.

[Claws Canidae]

Dec 14, 2008 9:11:35 GMT -6 Twilight said:

“Really Sakura, I’m fine.” The blond said, adjusting the uncomfortable pajamas he was forced to wear.

Literary speech rules, simple but common mistake:

"Really Sakura, I'm fine," the blond said, adjusting the uncomfortable pajamas he was forced to wear.

They had reached Konoha earlier and rushed Naruto to the hospital. Naruto came out of his depression around an hour ago, and must have said he was ‘fine’ at least a hundred times since then but no one was able to fully believe him.

Missing comma

Naruto came out of his depression around an hour ago, and must have said he was 'fine' at least a hundred times since then, but no one was able to fully believe him.

A nurse knocked politely. “I sorry, but visiting hours are over.”

Failed contraction ^^

"I'm sorry, but visiting hours are over."

“Are you sure, you don’t need anything?” Sakura asked, walking out.

Literary speech: You're stating that she posed a query, so you don't include the question mark - also have an unnecessary comma in there....

"Are you sure you don't need anything," Sakura asked, walking out.

“Yea.” Naruto mumbled, not looking her in the eye.

...

"Yea," Naruto mumbled, not looking her in the eye.

“You better get well soon, idiot, I need a punching bag.” The Uchiha said.

“Hey Sasuke?” The Uchiha stopped in the doorway and turned back to the bedridden blond. “You should ask a doctor to get that stick out your ass while you’re here.” Naruto said, looking up with a smile.

I'm pointing out these mistakes so you don't need to rely on your beta quite as much, since you'll know what to look for as well.

Hey, Sasuke?" The Uchiha stopped in the doorway and turned back to the bedridden blond. "You should ask a doctor to get that stick out your ass while you're here," Naruto said,

The Uchiha smirked. “Very funny, I’ll be sure to make you eat those words.” The boy left, pushing past the nurse who had been taking another look inside Naruto’s room. Her expression, somewhere between curiosity and anger, puzzled the Uchiha but he ignored it.

Missing a comma

the Uchiha, but

For a while Naruto just watched the open doorway where Sakura and Sasuke had exited. Kakashi drew him out of his thoughts.

Missing comma

while, Naruto

“You really should try and rest Naruto.” Kakashi said while putting his book away, but the boy only looked down solemnly.

Commas

rest, Naruto," Kakashi

Kakashi walked out and barely made it a few steps before Naruto’s voice reached him. “Kakashi-sensei?”

“Hmm?”

“If I ever lose control, I want you to stop me any way you can.”

Kakashi turned and took a long look at the boy, who was still focusing intently on his legs. “It won’t come to that Naruto, now get some rest.”

Comma

that, Naruto,

The man walked away but stopped before Inoichi. The Yamanaka had done an analysis of Naruto’s mind earlier, but was called to give his report to the council before he could give Kakashi details on Naruto’s state. With most of his attention on the man before him, he only took a passing, but appreciative, glance at one of the nurses who wore a less modest uniform but dismissed her a moment later.

...

The man walked away, but

Also should have used 'then' instead of 'but' that last time.

uniform, then dismissed

‘She’s just checking on Naruto.’ The Copy-Nin thought to himself, shrugging off the suspicious feel he got from her and bringing his attention back to Inoichi.

...

Naruto,' the

Naruto was unaware of the other occupant in the room, as the sudden pain in his legs clouded his mind. He choked back a sob and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes while clenching the bed sheets and twisting them, silently begging for the pain to go away.

Optional comma between 'eyes' and 'while.'

Two massive claws reached out of the bed in front of him and began tearing the flesh from his legs. Naruto screamed in pain and horror as a skeletal dragon followed soon after and began eating at the stray flesh off the bones that were his legs.

“I will devour your flesh and be born myself!” The creature hissed menacingly.

'!' to ','

A sharp prick in the back of his neck snapped him back into reality followed by a sudden wave of disorientation hit Naruto that blurred everything for a moment.

Legible, but 'followed' should have been 'as' for grammar purposes.

‘I can’t move!’ Naruto panicked, falling limply on his back as his body went numb.

'!'=','

The woman licked her lips in anticipation and crawled on the bed. Her skirt rode up her firm buttocks to reveal lacy black lingerie. Naruto tried to identify the nurse but only got an eye full of cleavage instead, despite the situation he was in he couldn't help the blush that spead across his face. The woman’s breasts strained against her uniform and the black bra that matched her panties, they seemed as if they would fall out any moment. She brushed some of her shoulder length brown hair out of her face and slid further along the bed, dragging her large breasts up Naruto’s chest. She came to a stop, straddling the boy she spoke huskily.

This one is a tad convoluted and needs cleaned up.

The woman licked her lips in anticipation and crawled onto the bed. Her skirt rode up her firm buttocks toreveal lacy black lingerie. Naruto tried to identify the nurse, but only got an eye full of cleavage instead. Despite the situation he was in, he couldn't help the blush that spread across his face. The woman's breasts strained against her uniform and the black bra that matched her panties - they seemed as if they would fall out at any moment. She brushed some of her shoulder-length brown hair out of her face and slid further along the bed, dragging her large breasts up Naruto's chest before she came to a stop. Straddling the boy, she spoke huskily.

“To think such a small body could house such a powerful dragon.” She licked her lips again. “I’ve been waiting for you to pay me a visit Naru-kun. I’ll make the pain all better…” As she spoke she pulled a few senbon from seemingly nowhere while her other hand began to glow.

I'm starting to feel like I'm watching Dr. Frankenfurters introductory scene with all the times I'm shouting 'comma.'

spoke, she pulled a few senbon from seemingly nowhere, while

“Stop.” Naruto rasped weakly, recognizing her for who she was.

“But Naru-kun, I’ve been waiting here just for you.” She said lovingly, kissing his forehead before trailing lower.

You wouldn't happen to own a creepy old castle, would you?

"Stop," Naruto rasped weakly, recognizing her for who she was.

"But Naru-Kun, I've been waiting here just for you," she said lovingly, kissing his forehead before trailing lower.

Naruto’s eyes widened in surprise. “You’re like me, aren’t you!?”

“I am similar but not nearly as powerful as you, now relax, this won’t hurt a bit…”

Comma and periods.

I am similar, but not nearly as powerful as you. Now relax, this won't hurt a bit...."

It's not well known that ellipses points do not exclude the use of a final punctuation mark when located at the end of a sentence.

----

Haven't read the other chapters yet, will probably wait to do so until after you respond to the question in my previous post. ^_^

[Twilight]

To your question: Well I'd say no, because I'm going to try and explain any characters and powers that I bring in feom the TenTen world. Hopefully I won't fail miserably and have it blow up in my face. In fact, if you do not know of Tenge and don't understand characters/concepts that I include you can point it out so I can go into more detail on looks, personality, powers, etc.

But if you want to locate Tenge to understand what I'm doing more I can happily give you a link.

[Twilight]

All right, next part of DF. To add dramatic tension to Naruto's delima I pan away from him and we see how the council of Konoha is dealing with this news, but I don't have a major role ideas for them yet. And I tried really hard to keep your corrections in mind but I sure I still messed up.

A man among the crowd rose, his entire form obscured from view. He cleared his throat, much louder than necessary, and began his gathered report.

“This council was gathered to discuss the most urgent of recent news. Yesterday Naruto Uzumaki, jinchuriki of the Kyuubi no Yoko, battled against a martial artist of unknown origin. That same day he was rushed to the Konoha’s hospital. There, it was discovered that he was the holder of a new bloodline limit. The boy also showed signs of extensive physical strain and, according to Inoichi Yamanaka, dangerous mental stress.”

The man sat back down quietly. The elders wasted no time in voicing one of their strongest opinions.

“That ‘abomination’ must be destroyed; he has never caused anything but trouble! The increasingly unstable behavior only proves that he can’t control the Kyuubi or his new bloodline limit!”

The former teammate of the Third Hokage and an influential member of the council, Homura Mitokado, had chosen to lead the argument to execute Naruto right off the bat, despite what new powers that could have developed in the youth.

“No, he must only be controlled,” The Third’s other former teammate, Koharu Utatane, decided to lead the other side in the view of using Naruto’s new bloodline and the Kyuubi inside him as a weapon. “We cannot allow power like that to go untamed; we must put him on a leash and a short one!”

“He is obviously a danger to others as well as himself,” Homura shouted to his former teammate.

“Which is exactly why he must be controlled! The chunin exams are months away, from what the Copy-Nin said he has the potential to be a powerful weapon by then! Everyone here knows that Suna is starting to become hostile toward us. It is said they have their own jinchuriki, they could use it to attack us,” Koharu shouted back just as forcefully.

“That is quite enough.” Hiruzen Sarutobi’s voice was soft among the shouts, but was firm enough to quiet his two former teammates. He schooled his expression to remain emotionless even though he was exasperated with this whole ordeal.

“We cannot execute him for the burdens that were forced upon his shoulders nor can we condemn him to a life of servitude as a weapon. Unless you have forgotten Homura, it was us who cursed the boy into being an ‘abomination’, as you say it, to save the lives of this village. And Koharu, we are on fine terms with all the other villages. Our military may have been weakened by the Kyuubi’s attack but it has recovered and is strong enough to demand caution from the other villages if not respect.”

Sarutobi’s voice of reason cut through to the council members, the man could see the wheels turning in many clan heads and district representatives. He rose from his seat and went for the attack.

“Many of us here have seen war, some more than one. Do you really want to expose today’s youth to that so soon? We all know that many adults, let alone a child, can not handle the bloodshed and destruction of the battlefield or should I remind the council of Itachi Uchiha? If we expose one, we will expose them all.” Sarutobi took a deep breath to pause and gauge the reaction.

Many seemed to have changed their minds a dropped their hostility against Naruto. It merely took a reminder of just what consequences could come from these rash decisions to get through to them. Attacking the horrors they had seen and been through during times of war was the best way to have them realize they were becoming monsters themselves. This was how Sarutobi kept Naruto alive so long and he’d be damned if he would let them get the boy he thought of as a grandson now.

‘I promised on Minato’s grave and gave my word to Kushina.’ A determined strength filled the old man, his posture straighten, his cane let out a loud ‘crack’ as it hit the floor to get everyone’s attention, and the aura he gave off reminded them just how he had gained and held his position so long before and after retirement. “I propose-”

“I agree with Elder Koharu, the boy’s power could prove to be a powerful weapon on the battlefield.” A man obscured by shadows spoke with just as much authority as Sarutobi’s, interrupting the Hokage’s words that would have finished it.

Sarutobi leveled a glare at Danzo’s shadow as his words seemed to have filled Koharu’s faction with a new drive. The old war hawk and his former female teammate stood strong while Homura visibly deflated, but that did not stop him or his faction from shifting their former ideals to have Danzo backing them. Sarutobi took a quick glance to count them, they would be able to force their decision on or even past him if he could not gain the favor of the neutral elders.

“And if possible,” Danzo continued. “I would like to oversee his training-” He stopped abruptly as he and entire council focused their attention on the door that practically shot off its hinges.

Some of the elders gasped in surprise as Kushina walked in dragging a bloody beat up ANBU, one who was under Danzo’s direct command interestingly enough, with her one arm.

Sarutobi almost smiled at her sudden appearance, he could not have asked for a better miracle. ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’ Sarutobi gave her a small smile when she looked at him and in return she winked.

“Oh please, don’t stop on my account,” Kushina spoke icily, turning her attention back to the many eyes that followed her and throwing the man to the ground. “Lets continue the discussion on my son.”

“How dare you? You barge into our meeting and demand a place among us, you have some nerve wench.” One of them said fiercely.

“You talk so strongly for someone hiding in the shadows, old man.” Sarutobi’s eyes moved to Tsume Inuzuka. The Inuzuka was one of the few that agreed with Sarutobi to leave Naruto be. As an Inuzuka, as well as a mother, she didn’t take kindly to the council trying to take the life and innocents of a child.

“She must know about this strange power the jinchuriki has. It would be wise to listen to her. Please Kushina-san tell us of this strange power your son seems to carry.” Hiashi Hyuuga said calmly. The man had remained neutral throughout the debate even though his vote alone could sway the most stubborn to his side with hopes of gaining the Hyuuga’s favor.

Kushina didn’t flinch, meeting the Hyuuga’s cold empty eyes with her own emotionless glare.

“Whirlpool was not a country that spoke with words, we were taught to settle problems with our fists. We didn’t use ninjutsu or genjutsu but most taijutsu styles have been traced back to Whirlpool. As ninjutsu and genjutsu evolved and became stronger so did we, we used our chakra to enhance our forms with the elements, we taught ourselves to see through and create illusions, and we did this without the use of handseals as a moments hesitation for them would result in death. But as you all know Whirlpool was torn apart by war, its nothing but ruins now. My son is host to one of the founding powers of Whirlpool, the Dragon’s Fist.”

“But,” The Hyuuga spoke. “The report stated he used lightning based attacks. What kind of power is this that allows such a dangerous level of control over lightning?”

“The Dragon’s Fist is one of the most dangerous powers. It gives him the ability to collect, store, and utilize an unlimited amount of chakra by ‘eating’ the chakra of other dragons. He utilized the Earth Gate to generate electricity during the battle, it was probably forced open by his will.” She said, walking toward the door.

“What!?” One of them shouted. “You have to give us more information than that!”

Kushina stopped short in the doorway. “Your right,” The woman turned, fixing her eye on the room filled with ninja and civilian alike. “If any of you even think about taking my son away from me I will kill you!” She ground out dangerously, before walking out the door.

Sarutobi coughed lightly, regaining everyone’s attention. “Well, it seems that this issue has been settled, you are all dismissed.” The old man walked out, intent on catching Kushina, and leaving the flabbergasted council behind.

[Claws Canidae]

Dec 22, 2008 12:08:24 GMT -6 Twilight said:

A man among the crowd rose, his entire form obscured from view. He cleared his throat, much louder than necessary, and began his gathered report.

“This council was gathered to discuss the most urgent of recent news. Yesterday, Naruto Uzumaki, jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi no Youko, battled against a martial artist of unknown origin. That same day, he was rushed to Konoha’s hospital. There, it was discovered that he was the holder of a new bloodline limit. The boy also showed signs of extensive physical strain and, according to Inoichi Yamanaka, dangerous mental stress.”

The man sat back down quietly. The elders wasted no time in voicing one of their strongest opinions.

“That ‘abomination’ must be destroyed; he has never caused anything but trouble! The increasingly unstable behavior only proves that he can’t control the Kyuubi or his new bloodline limit!”

The former teammate of the Third Hokage and an influential member of the council, Homura Mitokado had chosen to lead the argument to execute Naruto right off the bat - despite what new powers could have developed in the youth.

“No, he must only be controlled.” The Third’s other former teammate, Koharu Utatane, decided to lead the other side in the view of using Naruto’s new bloodline and the Kyuubi inside him as a weapon. “We cannot allow power like that to go untamed; we must put him on a leash and it must be a short one!”

“He is obviously a danger to others as well as himself,” Homura shouted to his former teammate.

“Which is exactly why he must be controlled! The chuunin exams are months away. From what the Copy-Nin said he has the potential to be a powerful weapon by then! Everyone here knows that Suna is starting to become hostile toward us. It is said they have their own jinchuriki, they could use it to attack us,” Koharu shouted back just as forcefully.

“That is quite enough.” Hiruzen Sarutobi’s voice was soft among the shouts, but was firm enough to quiet his two former teammates. He schooled his expression to remain emotionless, even though he was exasperated with this whole ordeal.

“We cannot execute him for the burdens that were forced upon his shoulders, nor can we condemn him to a life of servitude as a weapon. Unless you have forgotten Homura, it was us who cursed the boy into being an ‘abomination’, as you say it, to save the lives of this village. And Koharu, we are on fine terms with all the other villages. Our military may have been weakened by the Kyuubi’s attack, but it has recovered and is strong enough to demand caution from the other villages, if not respect.”

Sarutobi’s voice of reason cut through to the council members. The man could see the wheels turning in the minds of many clan heads and district representatives. He rose from his seat and went for the attack.

“Many of us here have seen war, some more than once. Do you really want to expose today’s youth to that so soon? We all know that many adults, let alone children, can not handle the bloodshed and destruction of the battlefield - or should I remind the council of Itachi Uchiha? If we expose one, we will expose them all.” Sarutobi took a deep breath to pause and gauge the reaction.

Many seemed to have changed their minds and dropped their hostility against Naruto. It merely took a reminder of just what consequences could come from these rash decisions to get through to them. Attacking the horrors they had seen and been through during times of war was the best way to have them realize they were becoming monsters themselves. This was how Sarutobi had kept Naruto alive so long, and he’d be d**ned if he would let them get the boy he thought of as a grandson now.

‘I promised on Minato’s grave and gave my word to Kushina.’ A determined strength filled the old man. His posture straightened, his cane let out a loud ‘crack’ as it hit the floor to get everyone’s attention and the aura he gave off reminded them just how he had gained and held his position so long before and after retirement. “I propose-”

“I agree with Elder Koharu, the boy’s power could prove to be a powerful weapon on the battlefield.” A man obscured by shadows spoke with just as much authority as Sarutobi, interrupting the Hokage’s words that would have finished it.

Sarutobi leveled a glare at Danzo’s shadow as his words seemed to fill Koharu’s faction with a new drive. The old war hawk and his former female teammate stood strong while Homura visibly deflated, but that did not stop him or his faction from shifting their former ideals to have Danzo backing them. Sarutobi took a quick glance to count them, they would be able to force their decision on or even past him if he could not gain the favor of the neutral elders.

“And if possible,” Danzo continued. “I would like to oversee his training-” He stopped abruptly as he and entire council focused their attention on the door that practically shot off its hinges.

Some of the elders gasped in surprise as Kushina walked in dragging a bloody beat up ANBU - one who was under Danzo’s direct command, interestingly enough - with her one arm.

Sarutobi almost smiled at her sudden appearance; he could not have asked for a better miracle. ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’ Sarutobi gave her a small smile when she looked at him, and she winked in return.

“Oh please, don’t stop on my account,” Kushina spoke icily, turning her attention back to the many eyes that followed her and throwing the man to the ground. “Let's continue the discussion of my son.”

“How dare you? You barge into our meeting and demand a place among us; you have some nerve, wench” one of them said fiercely.

“You talk strongly for someone hiding in the shadows, old man.” Sarutobi’s eyes moved to Tsume Inuzuka. The Inuzuka was one of the few who agreed with Sarutobi to leave Naruto be. As an Inuzuka, as well as a mother, she didn’t take kindly to the council trying to take the life and innocence of a child.

“She must know about this strange power the jinchuriki has. It would be wise to listen to her. Please, Kushina-san, tell us of this strange power your son seems to carry.” Hiashi Hyuuga said calmly. The man had remained neutral throughout the debate, even though his vote alone could sway the most stubborn to his side with hopes of gaining the Hyuuga’s favor.

Kushina didn’t flinch, meeting the Hyuuga’s cold empty eyes with her own emotionless glare.

“Whirlpool was not a country that spoke with words, we were taught to settle problems with our fists. We didn’t use ninjutsu or genjutsu, but most taijutsu styles have been traced back to Whirlpool. As ninjutsu and genjutsu evolved and became stronger, so did we; we used our chakra to enhance our forms with the elements, we taught ourselves to see through and create illusions and we did this without the use of handseals as a moments hesitation for them would result in death - but, as you all know, Whirlpool was torn apart by war and is nothing but ruins now. My son is host to one of the founding powers of Whirlpool, the Dragon’s Fist.”

“But,” The Hyuuga spoke. “The report stated he used lightning based attacks. What kind of power is this that it allows such a dangerous level of control over lightning?”

“The Dragon’s Fist is one of the most dangerous powers. It gives him the ability to collect, store and utilize an unlimited amount of chakra by ‘eating’ the chakra of other dragons. He utilized the Earth Gate to generate electricity during the battle - it was probably forced open by his will,” she said, walking toward the door.

“What” one of them exclaimed. “You have to give us more information than that!”

Kushina stopped short in the doorway. “You're right,” The woman turned, fixing her eye on the room filled with ninja and civilian alike. “If any of you even think about taking my son away from me, I will kill you," she ground out dangerously, before walking out the door.

Sarutobi coughed lightly, regaining everyone’s attention. “Well, it seems that this issue has been settled; you are all dismissed.” The old man walked out, intent on catching Kushina, and left the flabbergasted council behind.

Good job on this one; I noticed a marked improvement compared to the last time you asked for help.

As an aside, though I don't recommend correcting it in a story you've already started, one thing that's always annoyed me is authors deciding to use the Western order for names in fanfics based on Asian/Oriental stories when there's no direct connection to the Western World. The two main examples of when it doesn't bug me are crossover stories and stories wherein the characters visit completely foreign cultures - i.e. lands which use another language.

Again, a few cases of mistakes with regards to punctuation, and a few detrimental choices of phrasiology. It also appears that I wasn't quite clear enough in explaining the intricacies - those I recognize, at least - of literary speech.

"No, he must only be controlled," Koharu Utatane said. The Third's other teammate, she had decided to lead the other side in the view of using Naruto's new bloodline and the Kyuubi inside him as a weapon.

This is essentially how you would phrase your excerpt from above if you wanted to use a comma. Since - in your version - you started a new sentence immediately after the verbal statement, however, a slightly different rule of thumb comes into play. In such a case, you would go ahead and use a period instead, as you were doing before I corrected you previously. I believe you were still able to subconsciously recognize this, and that is why you capitalized the letter 't' in the word 'The' at that point. The easiest correction, while still using proper grammar - you don't even have to change how you phrased anything then - is to just exchange the comma for a period.

"No, he must only be controlled." The Third's other former teammate, Koharu Utatane, decided to lead the other side in the view of using Naruto's new bloodline and the Kyuubi inside him as a weapon.

Yeah, it confused me when I first learned it, too - and again when I was first reminded in late middle- or early high-school.

I also noticed that you tend to switch between the various methods of romanization when it comes to japanese words. While a few of them aren't exactly obvious with regards to whether they use long vowels, with those that do it's easiest to use 'uu,' 'ee,' 'ei,' 'ou,' 'oh' and 'ii' as indicators - conveniently enough, I hear this is also the method that Kishimoto uses for his characters' names.

[Twilight]

Okay, I fixed the name thing. And I feel I'm around halfway done after this. I just need to put a few words between the Third and Kushina then reveal where the Natsume sisters have been all this time.

Continuing where we left Kakashi and Naruto:

“…Way.”

Kakashi stared blankly at Naruto, who stared back with a blush across his face. The nurse looked up from her work on Naruto’s legs.

“You’re Naru-kun’s Jounin sensei, correct? Naru-kun will have to take it easy for a while but he’ll make a full recovery. His legs can’t be healed by medical jutsu alone, the strain his body was put through is different from your regular breaks, bruises, and chakra exhaustion. But that’s why I’m here.”

Kakashi watched her carefully, her senbon needles were precisely arranged on Naruto’s legs while she ran a glowing hand along the side. “Umm… Just how do you know Naruto? If you don’t mind my asking…”

“Not at all,” She answered cheerfully. “I’m Naruto’s personal nurse.”

“Personal…nurse?” Kakashi couldn’t help thinking about a similar scene happening in Icha Icha.

“Chosen by Kushina herself. who do you think took care of Naruto when he was a baby?” She continued her work flawlessly, not distracted in the least by conversation. “I wasn’t allowed to take him in as my own, but I was always here for him if he needed me. Even if he can be difficult sometimes, no matter how cute he is.” Naruto’s blush darkened, before realizing something.

“Kushina, my mother!? You knew her!?” The name brought his recent memories back to the front of his mind, but he still couldn’t move.

“Yes. She should be arriving soon, now that I think about it. But right now you need rest.” The woman said, finishing her work on his legs.

“But, I want to meet her!” The boy protested.

A finger came to rest on his lips, quieting him. “Shhh…its late, sleep…” The woman whispered gently. The resistance from Naruto gave out, the woman smiled as he went into a deep sleep. To say Kakashi was amazed was an understatement, he’d never seen someone handle Naruto so easily before.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name and I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you before.” Kakashi was still slightly in shock from the knowledge this woman seemed to possess and the fact that even Naruto seemed to know restricted information.

“Kounoike Chiaki.” The woman said walking over and sticking her hand out.

Kakashi glanced at her hand, slightly paranoid from the last time he shook a stranger's hand, but took it a moment later. “Still, Naruto's never mention you before.”

The woman looked back at the sleeping boy solemnly. “He doesn’t want the village to look down on us.”

“Us?”

“Yes, my fiancé and I,” Her attention focused back on the one-eyed jounin. “Now, visiting hours are over and Naru-kun needs to rest. You can come visit tomorrow.” In her eyes was a dangerous glint that promised death. Kakashi knew better than to challenge her.

[Claws Canidae]

Dec 26, 2008 10:12:30 GMT -6 Twilight said:

“…Way.”

Kakashi stared blankly at Naruto, who stared back with a blush across his face. The nurse looked up from her work on Naruto’s legs.

“You’re Naru-kun’s Jounin sensei, correct? Naru-kun will have to take it easy for a while but he’ll make a full recovery. His legs can’t be healed by medical jutsu alone, the strain his body was put through is different from your regular breaks, bruises, and chakra exhaustion - but that’s why I’m here.”

Try not to start your sentences with words like 'and,' 'but' and the like. It's alright during speech - such as how you've used it here - but please remember to refrain from doing so during simple narration (btw, why do they call it that? It's anything but!). In addition, even when starting statements or queries with these during speech, there's usually some way to avoid having that be the start of a sentence, as evidenced above. Oftentimes I will be reading through a story and mentally making slight corrections to the text, and I often input dashes (used as separators, whereas hyphens are for compound words - I just don't like typing it twice to make a distinction) or parentheses when I believe them necessary.

Kakashi watched her carefully; her senbon needles were precisely arranged on Naruto’s legs while she ran a glowing hand along the side. “Umm… Just how do you know Naruto? If you don’t mind my asking…”

“Not at all,” she answered cheerfully. “I’m Naruto’s personal nurse.”

When you use a comma at the end of a quotation, you don't capitalize the letter of the first word outside it unless it is supposed to be capitalized normally. You know...one of these days I am going to learn how to explain things in a manner that can be understood outside my own mind. I mean, even I sometimes have trouble understanding my explanations....

“Personal…nurse?” Kakashi couldn’t help thinking about a similar scene happening in Icha Icha.

“Chosen by Kushina herself. Who do you think took care of Naruto when he was a baby?” She continued her work flawlessly, not distracted in the least by conversation. “I wasn’t allowed to take him in as my own, but I was always here for him if he needed me...even if he can be difficult sometimes, no matter how cute he is.” Naruto’s blush darkened, before realizing something.

When trailing from one statement into another, you usually want to use ellipses points. It makes for cleaner text, a more professional appearance and increased ease for the readers as they no longer have to wonder why you started an entirely new sentence pointlessly.... </drawl>

“Kushina, my mother!? You knew her!?” The name brought his recent memories back to the front of his mind, but he still couldn’t move.

“Yes. She should be arriving soon, now that I think about it - but right now you need rest,” the woman said, finishing her work on his legs.

“But I want to meet her” the boy protested.

Unnecessary punctuation - good work on having these be the first in this excerpt! I will gladly admit that comma placement for the word 'but' is often quite confusing, but unnecessary in this specific incident. ^^

A finger came to rest on his lips, quieting him. “Shhh…its late, sleep…” the woman whispered gently. The resistance from Naruto gave out and the woman smiled as he went into a deep sleep. To say Kakashi was amazed was an understatement; he’d never seen someone handle Naruto so easily before.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name and I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you before.” Kakashi was still slightly in shock from the knowledge this woman seemed to possess and the fact that even Naruto seemed to know restricted information.

“Kounoike Chiaki,” the woman said walking over and sticking her hand out.

Kakashi glanced at her hand, slightly paranoid from the last time he shook a stranger's hand, but took it a moment later. “Still, Naruto's never mentioned you before.”

The woman looked back at the sleeping boy solemnly. “He doesn’t want the village to look down on us.”

“Us?”

“Yes, my fiancé and I.” Her attention focused back on the one-eyed jounin. “Now, visiting hours are over and Naru-kun needs to rest. You can come visit tomorrow.” In her eyes was a dangerous glint that promised death. Kakashi knew better than to challenge her.

Very well done; I must say I'm greatly impressed with your rapid progress. Keep up the good work!

On an unrelated note, I'm thinking about copying some of StarlightScribe's stories over here and editing them - seeing as how I don't meet FFN's requirements for being an official beta, and wouldn't be too reliable as such, in any case - but I'm not sure whether I should. What's your opinion?

Also, while I've been noticing a few errors in your posts outside of the story, I learned a while back not to correct such things in forums without the individual requesting assistance in some manner...even if I do still have issues holding myself back from such corrections in verbal conversation. *sweatdrops*

[Twilight]

I don't see a problem with correcting Star's work, but on the other hand I'm not her. So, honestly, I think you should make sure she's okay with it first, you know, just in case.

And your an awesome beta! How do you not fit requirements?(I never looked into betaing work, you can see why -_-''). And I don't know if its just because I'm posting on the forum or not, but you seem reliable to me.

[Twilight]

Okay I'll be honest, I don't know any other way to end this chapter. I just hope it won't seem to fillerish, but anyway:

Sarutobi followed the woman into his office. He walked in to see her fall into his chair and prop her feet on his desk. The Third saw he gaze drift to the portrait of Minato.

“I already sent my two escorts to my old home,” her eyes didn’t leave the portrait. “Sorry, I know how much paperwork your going to get because of me.”

The old man smiled. “I think I’ll actually enjoy signing those papers.”

“Tell Chiaki to bring him to me as soon as she tomorrow,” she got up and the Hokage moved to let her pass.

Sarutobi caught her gently by the shoulder. “You don’t want to go meet him today? Its not too late, I’m sure she’d make an exception.”

She stood still, struggling with herself. “Its been thirteen years,” she said finally. “Thirteen years since I was forced to abandon him. I do want to see him, I want to be the mother I wanted to be, but I’m scared…no I’m terrified.”

“Kushina, that boy would never reject you,” Sarutobi knew Naruto wasn’t like that.

“Thanks but,” she sighed. “I need to gather myself, I don’t think I could face him right now with out becoming a mess.”

“I understand…tomorrow it is.”

Yay? Nay? Enough for a decent chapter?

[Twilight]

After looking at my laptop screen for a few hours I was able to come up with more and I think its the perfect way to end it.

“Are you sure you’re okay, honey?”

Naruto appreciated her concern, really he did, but every time she asked that more of his nerve would crumble. He was confined to a wheelchair because his legs were still extremely weak, felt ready to vomit from nervousness, and was complete by overwhelming excitement. In other words he was a jittery wreck.

They stood, well technically he sat, outside a massive wooden home detailed to take the form of a dojo. This is where he would meet his mother, this is where he would get to see her for the first time in person not just as a memory. He couldn’t help but be terrified. What if she didn’t recognize him? What if she didn’t want him?

“Quit being such a mother hen, Chiaki,” the man beside her said. Naruto gave him a grateful glance that revealed just how nervous the boy was.

The man towered over both Naruto and Chiaki, packed with dense muscle. His kind blue eyes betrayed his intimidating statue, contrasting greatly with the dark color of his skin. He had said he was from Kumo once, but it hadn’t really mattered to Naruto he was still a good person.

“Well, excuse me for being worried, Bob Makihara,” she said angrily. “Not everyone can-”

“Umm…Chiaki?” Naruto tested.

“What is it Naru-chan?” He'd known her all his life and it still surprised him how fast she could change moods.

“Can we go inside? I’m…uhh…kind of losing my nerve.” Naruto fidgeted in his chair. At least he was in actual clothes now, Chiaki had washed the ones Tsunami had given him.

“Sure.”

To Naruto it took forever to reach the room his mother was in, but he knew it was no more than a few minutes.

“Do you think I can go alone,” He asked.

“I guess, but if you start hurting don’t push it.” Chiaki answered with a worried look.

Naruto took a deep breath and got up carefully. He took a moment to steady himself and slid the door open to step in. After closing the door behind him he turned to see someone sitting in the center of the room, facing away from him, it was hard to distinguish details in the dim light, but he could noticed her red hair and missing arm immediately. The way she lost her arm was burned into his mind.

He took cautious steps toward the woman before stopping right behind her. If she noticed him she didn’t show it. Naruto had gone over at least a million different things to say when he met her, but he couldn’t seem to remember any of them. All he could do was stand there, the pain in his legs the last this on his mind, trying to find something, anything, to say.

“Its funny,” he didn’t know who his voice shocked more, the woman or himself. “I spent thirteen years, wishing for a mother. Thirteen years hoping that there was someone out there that was forced to leave me, that wanted me back. A-and n-n-now she’s r-right in front of me a-and,” he stumbled over the words as his throat tightened and his eyes started to water. He looked down trying to hide that he was crying. “I don’t even know what to say to her.”

Sudden warmth encircled him. “Mom?”

“My baby…my son…”

[Twilight]

Do you know how much time passes inbetween the Wave arc and the Chunin Exam? I put the Chunin Exam as a few months in the story, leaving me room to work with, but I don't know the definite time that passes.

Don't pay too much heed to the following, its mostly me just rambling my thoughts to help me think better:

I'm thinking Hiashi should be a antagonist or at least hindrance to Naruto. Some new taijutsu specialist moving in on his territory and he percieves it as a threat. Also, since his plan to get in their good graces and wed the boy and Hinata will not work, he may just resort to help the Uzumaki's enemies.

Naruto has to have a fall out with Sakura some kind of way. Maybe she is in danger but doesn't know it so he has to berate her into leaving the opening.

Sasuke will revert into a jerk from massive jealousy and Naruto soon surpassing him.

[Twilight]

I will most likely be revamping this from the beginning. Tenjho Tenge recently ended a few months back so I need to fix a few errors regarding assumption and what happened anyway. Also, I realized just how poor the intergration between the two worlds was. I gave happenings with poor reasoning and the like.

[selonianth]

you don't nessecarily have to. i mean it doesn't have to be fully accurate to the now known canon.